first clueless, then forbidden
by MCI jones
Summary: have you ever been in love? okay that's easy, have you ever been in love with someone you can't have? well, still quite easy. have you ever, been in love with someone you think you can't have, but even if you could, you're not allowed to? if you answered yes, then you've found yourself in the shoes of Edward and Bella, first clueless, then forbidden. One-shot, maybe


**_This is meant to be somewhat of a poetic piece so if you feel it's too rushed, just keep that in mind, enjoy_**

He always loved her, ever since the first day he laid his eyes on her. He was entranced by her being, the way she carried herself, the way she stood her ground, the way she smiled as though there was not a single wrong in the world.

Ever since that day, she had become his obsession, placed above every other thing in his life, infact, she was his life.

Every morning when he opened his eyes, she was the first face he thought of. He didn't mean to though, he tried so hard not to, to push these treacherous thoughts away from his head but they were persistent in their presence, spreading like a virus till his whole being yearned for her, till she had complete control over him.

He was her's and she didn't even know

How could she know when all her thoughts revolved around _him,_ he who had taken what was meant to be his, he who swooped in with the stealth of a fox and taken her away before he had the chance to claim her.

His rival, his enemy, his best friend

He was forced to keep a happy face plastered on because he was too scared to reveal what hid beneath it, that which screamed murder and vengeance. That which yearned to break them apart and take her away so she would be his, that which wanted to feel her tender caress and be the object of her affections

So he never told her, he kept silent

Watching day after day as she ripped his heart into pieces after pieces without even knowing anything was happening. She had proven right the saying 'ignorance is bliss' as she smiled wider than he thought was possible, in the arms of his enemy, looking as though she couldn't be happier in this world, as she kissed him on the lips the way he could only imagine her kissing him, as she loved him more than was comprehensible

She didn't know, and she didn't want to, or so it seemed

So he let himself love her, but only from afar, never letting himself get to close in fear of losing the control he had tried so hard to hold on to.

He sought for solace In another's arms, he knew it would never be enough, that he would continue to have her etched in his skull, whether he was kissing this person or laughing with this person, or sleeping with this person, especially then, because no matter what he did with this person, he would only continue to wish he was doing it with her instead

* * *

She had settled for second best, she knew it deep down inside. For so long she had tried to will the thought away, to force herself to believe this was right, being with him, even when she wanted another, was alright. She was a person after all, and people tended to stray at times but in the end it was him she'd always come back to, his arms that would always receiver her. Even though they didn't have the warmth they once had and they didn't feel as they once did.

Sadly, she couldn't deny it anymore, as she looked across the table at the one she loved, as he wrapped his arms around another, giving that person the love that she so deeply desired, that she so deeply craved for, that she had always so deeply craved for without knowing till it was too late

She knew she didn't have a chance with him, after all, she was with his best friend and therefore he was forbidden to look at her in any other way apart from the gaze of a good friend, just the thought made her heart drop.

A friend, she didn't want him to be her friend

She was trapped in a steel cage, watching him at the other side as he danced with a girl who didn't know him like she did, as he looked happier than she had wanted him too with anybody that wasn't herself. She knew it was selfish of her but love was selfish, and she was definitely and indubitably in love with him

She knew, she had always known, but knowing is different from accepting. She didn't want to accept it, because she knew he wouldn't want her back, she knew he wouldn't agree to do that to his best friend, she knew of his strong moral code so she refused to accept it, instead letting it gnaw at her till she had no strength left to deny the obvious, till she couldn't fight it anymore

So she fell, deep into the darkness which was the dungeon he had her trapped in. He threw her in there without mercy, locked it and took the key away, leaving her at her knees begging to be released, to be set free, or at least, to be moved to another dungeon

Because she knew his love was unattainable, or at least, it's what she thought

So she watched him being happy and acted like she was happy, because she believed if she tried hard enough, it would happen and she would suddenly be set free and allowed to feel alive again, because being so in love with someone who didn't feel the same way, to her, was equivalent to having her heart ripped out

She fell so suddenly that she didn't have time to prepare herself for the feelings she'd get at the mere mention of his name, or at the sound of his voice, or when their eyes would lock and she'd feel like they were the only ones around, no she wasn't prepared, which only made things worse

So she tried to love him from afar, never letting herself get to close in fear of losing the control she had tried so hard to hold on to

But alas, she couldn't do it

* * *

It was a normal day, or so it seemed to everyone else, but they didn't matter, as far as they were concerned, they didn't even exist, it was just the two of them, together, alone, an instance which had occurred countless times, talking about mundane things while trying their best to keep their impulses at bay.

He wanted so badly to run out of the empty classroom, to get as far away from her as was possible before he did something he wouldn't regret doing but would regret not regretting. He bit the inside of his cheek as she laughed at something he said, wishing, just wishing she was his as he always did. This perfect specimen with beautiful brown hair and beautiful brown eyes who had him wrapped around her fingers.

She tried her best to act as she always did, to be the cheery, boisterous girl who lifted moods and was full of life. From the way he looked at her it seemed to be working, he seemed to believe that she was alright even though she wasn't, even though she was trying so hard to keep her feelings from pouring out her mouth. Even though, as she watched him give her that easygoing smile and run his hands through his messy golden locks, she wanted to hold him so tightly he couldn't breathe

On the outside, they were two friends being two friends, but on the inside, they were two ignorant lovers

Until she couldn't hold it in any longer, until she let it spill out without wanting to, until she revealed it all to him and felt stupid immediately after, until she began to run away in embarrassment but he caught her by the wrist and pulled her back

She didn't let their eyes meet, she couldn't, she dared not as she would be met with apologetic eyes and a speech of how he didn't feel the same way. Nut finally, when he made her look at him, she wasn't met by any such thing, she was met by his lips on her's

At first, it felt like a dream, the two of them, mouth to mouth, chest to chest, together at last, nothing else mattering as they stayed absorbed by each other and liking it, loving it, but then reality reared it's ugly head and they were separated once again, just this time was more painful than the last

This time they knew the truth, but they couldn't do anything about it

So they stayed there, in silence, gazing at each other, neither daring to break the silence. they had too much to say but not the courage to utter even a single word with the fear that speaking would bring them back to the reality where this would be wrong, where they had done a bad thing, where they would be forced to act like it didn't happen, where they had to give up their happiness for someone else's.

As he was about to speak, someone entered the class, then another, then another, and soon the teacher, forcing them to keep silent, both not attempting to pay attention to the class, both forgetting they were even in class because they weren't, their bodies were, empty, not their minds, no, their minds were somewhere far away, entwined in each other's arms, laughing freely, forgetting everything else.

Alas, they weren't able to keep their heads in the clouds for long before someone clutched onto their ankles and brought them crashing straight to the ground, crashing hard.

"bella?"

They both twitched at the sound of her name, each being punched out of their reverie, only to realize they weren't in class anymore, their auto piloted bodies had taken them to the cafeteria where they sat parallel to each other, trying their best not to look straight forward.

She forced a smile for the boy sitting beside her, his arms wrapped around her as he pulled her in for a kiss. She wasn't ready to do it, not there, not then, not with _him_ sitting right in front of her gazing intently at them, so she didn't, instead she forced a fake smile and looked away, feigning obliviousness, because that was all she could do.

She couldn't leave him, not for another person, no matter how much she loved him. She couldn't do something so unfair, and even if she did, they were best friends, this would tear them apart, so she didn't, at least not then, because she never wanted to be that girl.

* * *

She paced back and forth in the empty hallways, one part excited, one parts anxious, two parts wondering what the hell she was doing.

 _You shouldn't be here_

A voice deep inside incessantly reminded her, but she paid no heed to this voice, choosing instead to stay put, waiting.

She had lied to Jacob earlier that day that her mom was picking her up from school and after offering to wait for her mom with her, he had reluctantly gone home, leaving her with a heavy heart as she stared at the crumpled paper in her hands which she had found after lunch in her locker.

"Bella"

Her heart got caught in her throat as she heard her name being called. Her head snapped in the direction the voice had come from, and she was met with the figure that had been floating around her mind consistently.

"Edward" she breathed out and he gave her a small smile

Then they stood there, in silence again, the hall was practically empty, and there was silence all around them. he opened his mouth to speak but shut it, not knowing what to say and she did the same which made him chuckle a little, which made her chuckle a little, then he took her hand in his and began walking towards the exit of the school and she followed silently.

They could barely speak to each other, even in the car with the radios off causing an uncomfortable silence to leak between them. she took a deep breath and was the one to break the silence, though her voice was barely a whisper

"why did you want to tell me to meet you after school"

He peeled his eyes away from the road and leveled her with a piercing stare. His eyes narrowed, as if searching for an answer to give, an answer which wouldn't involve him saying something he knew he shouldn't "why do you think I did?"

She eyed him cautiously as he said this, wondering what implications his dodgy answer held "I don't know"

He pulled over , and bella realized they were no longer in the city, and were now beside a forest, but she didn't make any remark, instead she continued to look at him "don't you"

She became enraged at his evasiveness "look, if you don't have anything important to tell me then just take me home, I shouldn't be here in the first place"

He let out a small laugh at that and began to play with the seatbelt he had taken off "so why are you here then?"

She frowned at him for a while, then unbuckled her seat belt and exited the car, attempting to walk back to the city, but he got out and finally spoke truly "I wanted to know what the hell happened this morning"

She turned back to him quickly and lost her breath briefly at the thought of what had happened this morning, and had to clench her fists to keep them from tracing her lips softly, he continued to speak

"look, I can't get it out of my head, it's all I've been able to think about today and I just want to be sure that it actually happened, that you actually looked me in the eye and told me you feel for me the same way I feel for you. I'm not going to try and take you away from Jacob, I'd never want to do that to him, I just want to know that.. that I wasn't dreaming when I felt you kiss me back, that all these feelings I have inside aren't one sided, that- that, that I have one good thing going for me"

She watched him crack in front of her, she watched him bare his heart in front of her and she felt pain when she realized she couldn't get any closer than she already was, when she realized it was only when they were this far away from everything that they could be themselves with each other

Then in that moment, she realized she was ready to let go, just once, just this once, so she did, she walked up to hi, slow and unsure. He looked at her in confusion and when she got too close, he held on to her, half of him trying to stop her, the other half just wanting to have her feel him.

"what are you doing" he whispered to her

But she didn't say anything, instead she went closer and closer, till their lips were barely brushing against each other and closed her eyes, trying to decide whether she was going to go on or back down, knowing what she did in that moment would alter everything about the two of them

She stayed there, trying to make a decision, then he made one for her, claiming her lips with his, softly, then firmer, then slightly firmer, till her knees went week and she tried her best to keep steady. He pressed her even closely against him, going deeper and deeper, each time hesitating to make sure she wanted it as much as he did.

She wrapped her arm around his neck which he took as an answer and deepened the kiss even more, backing her against a tree softly.

Then they released each other, and in that moment she knew, she knew this couldn't be 'just once', she knew she had dug herself in a hole she couldn't get out of, she also knew she didn't want to get out of it "I love you" she whispered, eyes locked on his

He smiled widely and held her face in his arms, kissed her forehead, her cheek "I love you too"

And then, right then, in each other's arms, they were complete, so they stayed as long as they could with each other, forgetting everyone else because in that moment, each one was all that mattered to the other

 ** _Okay this is my first twilight fanfic, it's meant to be a oneshot, but if you want me to continue it which I could I guess, let me know, if you like this inconclusive ending, then let me know, also if you have any problems with my writing, let me know, I'd like to get a lot of input_**


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